Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
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If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.