Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
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It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.