Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
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[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.