10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
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The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
My dress code is business-casualty.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
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