*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
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If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me: