The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
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Worst bar ever.
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?