When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
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Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18