Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
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Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
favorite tropes as memes
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
I think my mom just blocked me
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
Today’s Times
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.