The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
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I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
asking santa clause for nudes
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies