Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
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EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig