Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
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CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Just had my nails done!
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.