Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
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Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.