[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
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My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
are they though??
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.