me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
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Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
This why you should mind your business
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
bad news gang
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
This meeting could have been a cake
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
Not all heroes wear capes…
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…