No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
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Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
We’re all getting idioter.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
gm
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.