Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
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Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.