When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
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Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?