My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
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gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
Mmmm canned fish.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
🙂🙃🥹
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu