when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
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Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
#merica
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch