I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
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Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.