Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
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We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Love is in the air fryer.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”