Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
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Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar