Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
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Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving