ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
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I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
A fake ID that makes you younger
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk