“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
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Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
I just love that new Pope smell.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.