So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
You Might Also Like
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight