I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
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[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
My guardian angel deserves a raise
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
The government even made aliens boring
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird