[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
You Might Also Like
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
(True)
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
*limbos under the caution tape
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up