Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
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*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
any last words?
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
That’s no pocket rocket.