Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
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Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement