I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
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Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.