One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
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Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.