[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
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Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.