Note to self: always read the final line
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Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
smartest karate player in the world
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.