The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
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In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
If you know, you know