CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
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When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
concern
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds