Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
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Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Those are good neighbors.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.