I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
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My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
What about second breakfast?
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize