ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
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Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
He just like my cat fr
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment