How do you like your Corgi?
You Might Also Like
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
The smoothest fall of all time
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.