Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
You Might Also Like
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Social distancing in Australia:
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Beauty and the Beast
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?