your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
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It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME