Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
You Might Also Like
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy