Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
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I have obtained a hat
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
No chill.