“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
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My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with