My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
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DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses