Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
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“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
Green is just blue that someone peed in
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?