The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
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An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
podcasts
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?