You Might Also Like
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.