Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
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If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.